M a t e r i a l i s m
I thought I was finally feeling better, but after a few days in Malmö I almost feel worse. I am for the first time in my life having money issues.
I've always been good with money, not a big spender, keeping a buffert and so on. But due to issues in school, I don't know when I will recieve studying money again.
This is of course the worst time of all to spend money. But I am finished.
My head feels like it has been on a ship in storm. And I'd rather be washed up on a shore with nothing, than continue to swim in the cold water, hanging on to my last material assets.
So today, during a mild panic attack I bought a ticket to Amsterdam. Leaving on Saturday, I will be gone for perhaps a week. We have discussed to go to Belgium for a few days, me, Dida, and two of his friends.
I miss Belgium.
The beautiful architecture, the food..
The chocolate.. the clothes!
How they take care of everything old. How they embrace history instead of making everything modern. Instead of tearing down a 100 year old house and build a new one, they renovate it.
How you can buy clothes that look about 110 years old, without being ruined. Although considering my economy now, I would be ruined if I went shopping there... so many nice things to want!
Even though I felt bad occationally in Brussels because of my job there, I still love the town. Thinking about it makes me happier, which was slightly unexpected.
I present to you: other (material) stuff that would make me happy.
(yeah, i know I wouldn't be able to walk in those shoes, but one is allowed to dream, right?)
I've always been good with money, not a big spender, keeping a buffert and so on. But due to issues in school, I don't know when I will recieve studying money again.
This is of course the worst time of all to spend money. But I am finished.
My head feels like it has been on a ship in storm. And I'd rather be washed up on a shore with nothing, than continue to swim in the cold water, hanging on to my last material assets.
So today, during a mild panic attack I bought a ticket to Amsterdam. Leaving on Saturday, I will be gone for perhaps a week. We have discussed to go to Belgium for a few days, me, Dida, and two of his friends.
I miss Belgium.
The beautiful architecture, the food..
The chocolate.. the clothes!
How they take care of everything old. How they embrace history instead of making everything modern. Instead of tearing down a 100 year old house and build a new one, they renovate it.
How you can buy clothes that look about 110 years old, without being ruined. Although considering my economy now, I would be ruined if I went shopping there... so many nice things to want!
Even though I felt bad occationally in Brussels because of my job there, I still love the town. Thinking about it makes me happier, which was slightly unexpected.
I present to you: other (material) stuff that would make me happy.
(yeah, i know I wouldn't be able to walk in those shoes, but one is allowed to dream, right?)
All of it from the brand Promod, that also sold that jacket that some readers were mad at me for not buying :P
Get the feeling that history is repeating itself. But one never knows. I'll be alright though.
Goodnight!
Goodnight!
Today's songs:
The Gossip - Four Letter Word
Simian Mobile Disco - Pinball
(They remind me of The Knife, but not really. Enjoy!)
Simian Mobile Disco - Pinball
(They remind me of The Knife, but not really. Enjoy!)
R a p e
Sitting on the bus to Malmö right now and travelling always makes me ponder about things.
This is probably my longest post ever. I wish there was something I could do to make it easier to digest.
*All that I have written in swedish is translated by me into english at the bottom of the post. Don't hold me responsible for interpretations.
*I also want to warn about cruel actions and words described in the following text. Young people should only read on if the topic really appeals to them.
I don't have many causes, not because I am selfish, but because I don't believe I can care a 100% about everything. And having a cause where you just give away some coins occationally to please your guilt, is a rather pointless cause.
I have two main causes:
Environment (and the human affect on it, as well as how we can reverse it). I care more about the rainforest than about most people in general. Nature has no intent, it is never good or evil. It is a chaos where we humans have found a place to live and prosper.
Equality (mainly between the sexes). Easy word, complex meaning. And within this topic I have a few subcauses that always get to me. Perhaps someone noticed on my book list that two of the books are about rape.
I am currently reading one of them, which I got as a present from a friend.
Katarina Wennstam's "Flickan och skulden - En bok om samhällets syn på våldtäkt" is very painful reading.
I have the sequel; "En riktig våldtäktsman - En bok om samhällets syn på våldtäkt", and I was upset for weeks after finishing it.
The author digs through piles of court cases in Sweden, a country that like to think of itself as very equal and just. What she finds in these cases makes me sick.
They are full with a mindset as antique as the system of justice. Even though I had heard about the police asking girls to describe in detail what they were wearing, when they lost their virginity and so on, I become shocked and appalled. In the books are notes from interrogations and court cases that describes in painfully graphic detail what boys has done towards girls. Girls that did not deserve to get their genitals, and life destroyed, just because "she was wearing a short skirt" or had been "acting flirty".
There's a section that makes me teary-eyed. It's about a case of rape performed by 3 men to a 17 year old girl. The names are made up by the author. I quote:
"En annan sak som var svår för Maria att förstå var varför Måns aldrig åtalades. Den enda aktiviteten som Måns erkände att han hade varit med på var att tafsa på Maria och trycka in hårda fingrar i hennes underliv. Men fram till en lagändring 1998 (övergreppet skedde 1997) var det inte våldtäkt om det inte var just en manlig penis som trycktes in i kvinnans underliv eller mun.
Lagen ändrades efter en uppmärksammad våldtäkt - som i lagens mening inte var våldtäkt. En ung flicka våldtogs av flera killar som använde en flaska - som gick sönder inne i hennes slida och förstörde hennes underliv för alltid."
That last line with the bottle hurts just by reading it. It reminds me alot of a scene in a swedish movie called "Säg att du älskar mig", where pretty much the same thing takes place. I cried while watching that.
In march last year, a 14 year old girl in north Sweden filed charges against a guy at her school, claiming he raped her in the school bathroom. What happened next was that the entire society she lives in, took the guy's side.
"He would never do that, he's a nice guy"
"She just wanted attention"
"She was taking revenge because she was actually in love with the guy and he didn't want to be with her"
"I mean, how do you even force anyone to ..blow somebody..?"
These are quotes from grown up people in the little town, that were all not in any way involved in the rape, but speculated wildly anyway. Speculactions became truths, because it was easier to say that the girl was lying than to consider someone they had known since he was a little kid, to be a rapist.
After the guy was convicted, the case was appealed in a higher court, where he was convicted once again. Still the guy was supported openly (by among others the local priest of the Swedish Church), but mostly on social forums online, like facebook. There the language was alot more aggressive. The girl's friends turned on her and her life there was pretty much destroyed.
It became a national issue as the hate and support (from both sides) reached rapidly outside the little town. Finally it made it to a national tvshow regarding issues in society. The episode was one of their most debated but finally it seemed like the girl got her story out in public. People had only heard the the guy's version, or the one told by his friends/supporters.
Little did they know that he at one point in an interrogation at the police department confessed raping her. That his story was identical to the girl's.
He later changed his mind and denied it. But the court ruled in favor of the victim, and even when he was charged again for raping another girl, he got support. But atleast now the first girl recieved support as well, thousands of people engaged themselves, by commenting, arguing, debating and creating support groups for her cause.
He was convicted for the second rape too.
I watched the show, an hour long, and I was captivated. I don't know what it is with rape that makes me feel this much. It is the ultimate and final degradation, the gravest humiliation.
If I was into law or anything like it I would probably become an attorney for rape victims. Instead I read these books and I get amazed at the cruelty, the disrespect that comes from these boys, some of them younger than 15 (and then can't be held legally responsable for their actions).
And how society does everything it can to push the responsability over to the girls.
This is the second rape, blaming the girls.
Saying they shouldn't wear lace underwear, that they shouldn't accept a ride from their neighbour, drink too much, or even dance too sexy. All implying that a man cannot take responsability for his sexuality, and that women have to do that instead. All implying that all men are possible rapists, and that women are stupid to trust them. So basically those who are most commonly agreeing with that expression "All men are rapists" are not your typical angry women rights-girls, but conservative women and men that thinks (and here I quote the allmighty Dr Phil): "Once testosterone hits a guy, he can't be stopped."
But rape is never about sex. It's about punishment. Many gang rapists can't even get it up. This usually angries the man, as this ruins his stud appeal in front of his friends, and so the "whore" he is abusing, is embarressing him, and must therefore be more punished. This is what usually leads to objects being used instead, and in a more brutal way than otherwise.
The punishment origins in hate, a hate for women. But I don't know where that hate comes from. It seems to be older than the skill of writing. Maybe it is reversed "penis envy" performed in a testosteron-packed manner?
I applaude you if you read all of this. I read through these books even though it hurts, and I know that most people won't read them. It is my hope that some will at least read through this, and agree with me or debate with me. Or best of all, to be aware of this tendency we have, to protect the men, the rapists, but not the victims.
I reward your patience with a sketch i did once.
This is probably my longest post ever. I wish there was something I could do to make it easier to digest.
*All that I have written in swedish is translated by me into english at the bottom of the post. Don't hold me responsible for interpretations.
*I also want to warn about cruel actions and words described in the following text. Young people should only read on if the topic really appeals to them.
I don't have many causes, not because I am selfish, but because I don't believe I can care a 100% about everything. And having a cause where you just give away some coins occationally to please your guilt, is a rather pointless cause.
I have two main causes:
Environment (and the human affect on it, as well as how we can reverse it). I care more about the rainforest than about most people in general. Nature has no intent, it is never good or evil. It is a chaos where we humans have found a place to live and prosper.
Equality (mainly between the sexes). Easy word, complex meaning. And within this topic I have a few subcauses that always get to me. Perhaps someone noticed on my book list that two of the books are about rape.
I am currently reading one of them, which I got as a present from a friend.
Katarina Wennstam's "Flickan och skulden - En bok om samhällets syn på våldtäkt" is very painful reading.
I have the sequel; "En riktig våldtäktsman - En bok om samhällets syn på våldtäkt", and I was upset for weeks after finishing it.
The author digs through piles of court cases in Sweden, a country that like to think of itself as very equal and just. What she finds in these cases makes me sick.
They are full with a mindset as antique as the system of justice. Even though I had heard about the police asking girls to describe in detail what they were wearing, when they lost their virginity and so on, I become shocked and appalled. In the books are notes from interrogations and court cases that describes in painfully graphic detail what boys has done towards girls. Girls that did not deserve to get their genitals, and life destroyed, just because "she was wearing a short skirt" or had been "acting flirty".
There's a section that makes me teary-eyed. It's about a case of rape performed by 3 men to a 17 year old girl. The names are made up by the author. I quote:
"En annan sak som var svår för Maria att förstå var varför Måns aldrig åtalades. Den enda aktiviteten som Måns erkände att han hade varit med på var att tafsa på Maria och trycka in hårda fingrar i hennes underliv. Men fram till en lagändring 1998 (övergreppet skedde 1997) var det inte våldtäkt om det inte var just en manlig penis som trycktes in i kvinnans underliv eller mun.
Lagen ändrades efter en uppmärksammad våldtäkt - som i lagens mening inte var våldtäkt. En ung flicka våldtogs av flera killar som använde en flaska - som gick sönder inne i hennes slida och förstörde hennes underliv för alltid."
That last line with the bottle hurts just by reading it. It reminds me alot of a scene in a swedish movie called "Säg att du älskar mig", where pretty much the same thing takes place. I cried while watching that.
In march last year, a 14 year old girl in north Sweden filed charges against a guy at her school, claiming he raped her in the school bathroom. What happened next was that the entire society she lives in, took the guy's side.
"He would never do that, he's a nice guy"
"She just wanted attention"
"She was taking revenge because she was actually in love with the guy and he didn't want to be with her"
"I mean, how do you even force anyone to ..blow somebody..?"
These are quotes from grown up people in the little town, that were all not in any way involved in the rape, but speculated wildly anyway. Speculactions became truths, because it was easier to say that the girl was lying than to consider someone they had known since he was a little kid, to be a rapist.
After the guy was convicted, the case was appealed in a higher court, where he was convicted once again. Still the guy was supported openly (by among others the local priest of the Swedish Church), but mostly on social forums online, like facebook. There the language was alot more aggressive. The girl's friends turned on her and her life there was pretty much destroyed.
It became a national issue as the hate and support (from both sides) reached rapidly outside the little town. Finally it made it to a national tvshow regarding issues in society. The episode was one of their most debated but finally it seemed like the girl got her story out in public. People had only heard the the guy's version, or the one told by his friends/supporters.
Little did they know that he at one point in an interrogation at the police department confessed raping her. That his story was identical to the girl's.
He later changed his mind and denied it. But the court ruled in favor of the victim, and even when he was charged again for raping another girl, he got support. But atleast now the first girl recieved support as well, thousands of people engaged themselves, by commenting, arguing, debating and creating support groups for her cause.
He was convicted for the second rape too.
I watched the show, an hour long, and I was captivated. I don't know what it is with rape that makes me feel this much. It is the ultimate and final degradation, the gravest humiliation.
If I was into law or anything like it I would probably become an attorney for rape victims. Instead I read these books and I get amazed at the cruelty, the disrespect that comes from these boys, some of them younger than 15 (and then can't be held legally responsable for their actions).
And how society does everything it can to push the responsability over to the girls.
This is the second rape, blaming the girls.
Saying they shouldn't wear lace underwear, that they shouldn't accept a ride from their neighbour, drink too much, or even dance too sexy. All implying that a man cannot take responsability for his sexuality, and that women have to do that instead. All implying that all men are possible rapists, and that women are stupid to trust them. So basically those who are most commonly agreeing with that expression "All men are rapists" are not your typical angry women rights-girls, but conservative women and men that thinks (and here I quote the allmighty Dr Phil): "Once testosterone hits a guy, he can't be stopped."
But rape is never about sex. It's about punishment. Many gang rapists can't even get it up. This usually angries the man, as this ruins his stud appeal in front of his friends, and so the "whore" he is abusing, is embarressing him, and must therefore be more punished. This is what usually leads to objects being used instead, and in a more brutal way than otherwise.
The punishment origins in hate, a hate for women. But I don't know where that hate comes from. It seems to be older than the skill of writing. Maybe it is reversed "penis envy" performed in a testosteron-packed manner?
I applaude you if you read all of this. I read through these books even though it hurts, and I know that most people won't read them. It is my hope that some will at least read through this, and agree with me or debate with me. Or best of all, to be aware of this tendency we have, to protect the men, the rapists, but not the victims.
I reward your patience with a sketch i did once.
(To fit the theme)
Today's songs:
Antoine Dodson - Bed intuder (autotuned version)
Rammstein - Wiener Blut (about the horrid Fritzl case in Austria)
Today's songs:
Antoine Dodson - Bed intuder (autotuned version)
Rammstein - Wiener Blut (about the horrid Fritzl case in Austria)
The stuff in Swedish:
Book titles would translate into "The girl and the guilt - a book about society's view on rape"
and "A real rapist - a book about society's view on rape".
A quick version of the book quote: Up until 1998 a rape was not considered a rape in Sweden unless a man's penis was actually inside a woman's vagina or mouth. In the book she describes a case taking place earlier, where a young man that was present on a gang rape and brutally abused the victims vagina with his fingers was not charged with anything. The law changed a year later when a girl was raped by a few guys with a bottle that broke inside her, and ruined her vagina forever.
The swedish movie title would translate to "Say that you love me".
I'm off to continue reading the book. If I stumble upon more things that makes me angry or sad, I might do an update.
Meanwhile, my journey goes on... Got another 2 hours in this bus.
Book titles would translate into "The girl and the guilt - a book about society's view on rape"
and "A real rapist - a book about society's view on rape".
A quick version of the book quote: Up until 1998 a rape was not considered a rape in Sweden unless a man's penis was actually inside a woman's vagina or mouth. In the book she describes a case taking place earlier, where a young man that was present on a gang rape and brutally abused the victims vagina with his fingers was not charged with anything. The law changed a year later when a girl was raped by a few guys with a bottle that broke inside her, and ruined her vagina forever.
The swedish movie title would translate to "Say that you love me".
I'm off to continue reading the book. If I stumble upon more things that makes me angry or sad, I might do an update.
Meanwhile, my journey goes on... Got another 2 hours in this bus.
A w a r e n e s s
I'm in Stockholm at the moment, visiting my grandma för a family gathering.
I'm so tired my head spins... And getting up really early tomorrow.
I can tell you that my book list in previous post wasn't completely useless. Actually I recieved 2 of the books in it, and got another 2 that wasn't on it, but should have been.
My should-have-been new books on the list:
Lewis Carroll - Alice in Wonderland (a classic, I know. My grandma recently translated it, for a more modern version.)
Lena Sundström - Känns det bra att få finnas en dag till? (She writes about modern life, how hypocritical we are, but she does it wuith humor.)
But the main thing today is how I feel so completely useless.
I've got two male friends that are currently going through some tough times, and I've tried my best to be there and support, without knowing how to best aid. My efforts aren't noted anyhow and it seems to me as if everyone would be better of if I just stayed away. Which I wouldn't mind doing, unless, you know, I didn't care.
But I care, I can't help it. I like you both, guys, but your depressions are tainting me.
Looking at you both, and the situations you're in, I start to look at my own life.
Not sure why I do this.
And what I feel then is a bit more than I can take.
I feel like I have lost so much, around me. Friends, family, material things that meant something.
I feel like those bimbos, those coldhearted women, that at the end of the movie realizes, all her hard work to get somewhere, has been in vain. All her efforts have been channeled in the wrong directon, and that no one regards ther. Nobdy loves her, except for perhaps those shallow fools that would make her utterly unhappy.
They are alone.
I know that this is not my part in the movie though. I am the heroine, that steps out from the dark cave with brass instruments playing in the background as I walk in to the sunlight.
Or maybe coldhearted women can be heroines too.
I don't know.
I just know that I'm extremely asocial right now and with a big mandatory party tomorrow I don't know what to do.
Goodnight.
I'm so tired my head spins... And getting up really early tomorrow.
I can tell you that my book list in previous post wasn't completely useless. Actually I recieved 2 of the books in it, and got another 2 that wasn't on it, but should have been.
My should-have-been new books on the list:
Lewis Carroll - Alice in Wonderland (a classic, I know. My grandma recently translated it, for a more modern version.)
Lena Sundström - Känns det bra att få finnas en dag till? (She writes about modern life, how hypocritical we are, but she does it wuith humor.)
But the main thing today is how I feel so completely useless.
I've got two male friends that are currently going through some tough times, and I've tried my best to be there and support, without knowing how to best aid. My efforts aren't noted anyhow and it seems to me as if everyone would be better of if I just stayed away. Which I wouldn't mind doing, unless, you know, I didn't care.
But I care, I can't help it. I like you both, guys, but your depressions are tainting me.
Looking at you both, and the situations you're in, I start to look at my own life.
Not sure why I do this.
And what I feel then is a bit more than I can take.
I feel like I have lost so much, around me. Friends, family, material things that meant something.
I feel like those bimbos, those coldhearted women, that at the end of the movie realizes, all her hard work to get somewhere, has been in vain. All her efforts have been channeled in the wrong directon, and that no one regards ther. Nobdy loves her, except for perhaps those shallow fools that would make her utterly unhappy.
They are alone.
I know that this is not my part in the movie though. I am the heroine, that steps out from the dark cave with brass instruments playing in the background as I walk in to the sunlight.
Or maybe coldhearted women can be heroines too.
I don't know.
I just know that I'm extremely asocial right now and with a big mandatory party tomorrow I don't know what to do.
Goodnight.
